‘Overlooked’ grief: October 7 massacre left 2,185 bereft siblings, first study shows
Hebrew University researcher says there’s a ‘hierarchy of grief’; urges government to give mourning siblings the same benefits as widows, parents and children of terror victims
Reporter at The Times of Israel
A Hebrew University researcher who has conducted the first-ever study on the 2,185 people who lost siblings on October 7 says that they do not receive adequate support because they are considered “just” siblings.
“In the hierarchy of grief, society doesn’t recognize their grief the way they might a widow or an orphan,” researcher Masada Bochris told The Times of Israel. “That doubles and triples their sense of grief.”
Bochris, 29, lost her brother, Chen Bochris, 26, a deputy commander of the elite Maglan commando unit, when he was killed fighting terrorists in southern Israel on October 7.
After his death, Bochris, a social worker, said she looked for literature to help her understand and deal with her grief as a sibling and found nothing in Israeli psychological literature. She decided to do research on sibling grief for her masters degree at Hebrew University.
Her study, “The Echoes of Mourning: Gender, Birth Order, and Circumstances of Loss in the Events of October 7, 2023,” shows the need for tailored support for bereft siblings, she said, “because bereaved siblings are overlooked.”
Bochris also urges the government to give bereaved siblings the same benefits and psychological and health services received by grieving parents, widows, and children. Moreover, she urges training social workers and psychologists to understand sibling grief because “it will take years to understand” this unique trauma.
Dealing with grief
The study was conducted on 444 adults who suffered the loss of a sibling on October 7, when thousands of Hamas-led terrorists stormed Israel, brutally slaughtering some 1,200 people and taking 251 hostages to Gaza.
There have been more casualties since then, but Bochris focused on people whose siblings were killed that specific day.
Respondents answered an online survey in May, eight months after the massacre. Included in the survey were questions on grief, coping strategies, and an emotional stress inventory.
The research showed that 20 percent of the respondents had not worked since losing their sibling.
Women reported higher levels of emotional distress than men, Bochris said.
Although women sought more spiritual, emotional, and psychological support, they also reported higher levels of irritability and lack of restraint. They suffered outbursts of uncontrollable anger, the urge to break things, to hit others, and to get into arguments, and they reported feeling anxious when they were left alone.
The study also found that when an older sibling was lost, the surviving siblings did not want to seek help because they believed that nobody would understand them as he did, and they did not want to replace him.
He was the source. The person they would turn to with questions
“He was the source,” Bochris said. “The person they would turn to with questions.”
The study showed, too, that people who lost a sibling who was serving in the security forces on October 7 had higher levels of negative thoughts about themselves than those who lost a sibling who was a civilian.
Since their sibling died, they said they see themselves as weak. They are ashamed of themselves, feel worthless, and do not think they will be better in the future.
Bochris observed that these mourners not only deal with the loss of their siblings, but they also feel the emotional loss of their parents, who are suddenly absent since they are focused on the deceased.
They experience the need to help their parents handle their grief and put aside their own.
Short-term grief becomes long-term
Bochris said that some people questioned why she conducted a study on short-term grief.
“Understanding short-term grief will make it easier to understand how the grief will unfold in the long run,” she said.
Moreover, she said, the events of that day have become an “extended trauma” because Israelis are afraid that a similar murderous invasion may occur.
“Terror has started to become mainstream,” she said, citing the recent attacks on the light rail in Tel Aviv-Jaffa, in which six were killed and 16 wounded; the attack in Hadera, in which one was killed and five wounded; and at the Beersheba bus station, in which one was killed and 10 wounded.
“Our society is exposed to trauma and then exposed to it again on social media, so it’s a double trauma,” she said.
‘As if we’re not entitled to our grief’
There were sirens in Ashdod at 6:30 a.m., on October 7, 2023, Bochris recounted, and “at 6:35, my brother chose to fight. He didn’t wait for an order.”
He was killed in Kibbutz Nahal Oz later that day.
There were so many people killed that it “took 48 hours to identify his body, so we couldn’t say Kaddish,” she said.
She said that society tells siblings to “go back to work and to live as if we’re not entitled to our grief.”
Bochris serves in the reserves in Gaza, where she is in charge of planning special operations. She also leads emotional processing workshops for soldiers. She conducted her study while in Gaza and when she had breaks from the army. Keeping busy, she said, has been a way for her to come to terms with her loss.
“Being in the reserves helps me because I feel like my country needs me,” Bochris said. “Otherwise, I know I would be depressed. When I am no longer serving in the army, I will have to face the fear of living life without my brother.”
“I cry every night,” she said. “I feel very alone. There’s a big hole in my heart, and I can’t breathe.”
She has difficulty concentrating, she said, and gets upset when people are impatient with her in the supermarket.
“I wish people would see my grief,” she said. Validating people’s loss would help them deal with it.
Bochris said she keeps in touch with other bereaved siblings she has met through her research. Some bereaved siblings have started to write graffiti on the streets in Tel Aviv to express their loss, Bochris said. They plan to ask the Tel Aviv municipality to sponsor an exhibit.
She said she would like to tell people to “be more sensitive to grieving siblings.”
“Unrecognized grief is full of complexity,” she said. “We need to raise awareness of the unique needs of bereaved siblings.”