The never-ending story of ‘The Speech’

Thursday was a holiday for Israel Hayom, but not the one you’d think.

No, while a small rectangle is dedicated to the Purim that the rest of us are celebrating, the free daily is too busy celebrating itself.

“High Court rules in favor of freedom of the press,” the top headline reads.

Attorney Shahar Ben-Meir appealed to the Knesset’s central election committee to have Israel Hayom declared a forbidden form of campaign, but committee chairman Salim Jubari rejected Ben-Meir’s petition last month.

And the High Court of Justice joined in Wednesday, chastising Ben-Meir and asking him, “To get rid of censorship took hundreds of years, sir; do you want to bring back the censor?”

Israel Hayom comes across as completely unbiased in its reporting on the issue. Just look at the restraint the editorial staff shows by not including a drawing of Nelson from the Simpsons, pointing at Ben-Meir and saying “Ha Ha.”

And the Israel Hayom holiday only gets better. Yes, Israel Hayom positively bubbles in bragging about its boy Bibi, whom their latest poll shows is more trusted than US President Barack Obama and Zionist Union leader Isaac Herzog combined “in regards to dealing with the threat of a nuclear Iran.”

But while most of Israel Hayom gushes about Netanyahu’s triumphant speech in Congress — “After the speech: Iran is in all the headlines in the USA” — some of their commentators are less convinced.

Yossi Beilin laments, “As the speech brought about an unprecedented controversy, as dozens of US lawmakers protested the speech, as no high-ranking member of the administration met with Netanyahu during his visit, I expected that in the speech would be a road map for its listeners.”

But a better proposal on Iran was not offered, Beilin wrote.

Yaakov Amidror defended Netanyahu against Obama’s claim that the prime minister did not suggest an alternative course of action, but seems to not grasp the meaning of the word “alternative.”

“[Netanyahu] said that in his opinion the alternative is to continue with sanctions,” Amidror writes, despite the fact that calling the status quo an alternative is almost a contradiction in terms.

“How can you come up with something new if you have to answer Washington’s call for not getting into the most interesting details of the agreement?” Amidror asks.

I’m just spit-balling here, but maybe Netanyahu could have offered something new without discussing the exact terms of the current deal. No?

Amidror doesn’t answer that.

Uri Heitner warns that the US sees a deal with Iran as an end in itself and not a means to world peace. “The goal has been forgotten,” he writes.

He goes on, “Against the attempts at anesthesia by Obama, who sends us to a peaceful sleep, Netanyahu’s speech was an alarm clock.”

But Haaretz commentator Ari Shavit is not so convinced of its efficacy. “Netanyahu broadcast a justified wake-up call, but no one woke up,” he writes.

Shavit calls Netanyahu’s congressional address “a sad speech” that accomplished little. “Netanyahu’s speech was as though it wasn’t,” he writes poetically.

The problem, he explains, is that Netanyahu persisted in speaking from an Israeli/Jewish standpoint, not a universal or American one.

Barak Ravid reports that Netanyahu’s speech did accomplish something. According to source in the White House, Netanyahu’s speech increased the friction between Jerusalem and Washington — and it’s on him to fix it.

According to the Haaretz article, one way to do that is the removal of Israeli Ambassador to the US Ron Dermer.

But while Israel Hayom and Haaretz continue to report yesterday’s news on “The Speech,” Yedioth Ahronoth actually reports something new. Well, kind of new. Apparently women earn less money than men, the daily reports.

In light of this coming Sunday’s International Women’s Day, Yedioth discusses new numbers released by the Israeli Central Bureau of Statistics, which show that despite the fact that women drive better (insert hackneyed, misogynistic joke here) and are better educated, they earn up to 40 percent less than men and are promoted less as well.

But Yedioth also couldn’t shy away from reporting on the aftermath of “The Speech.”

“The day after,” reads the headline about Secretary of State John Kerry’s ongoing negotiations with the Iranian foreign minister.

Yuval Karni also reports for Yedioth that despite Israel Hayom’s braggadocious survey showing how much everyone trusts Netanyahu to deal with Iran, the overall polling numbers are not so dramatic.

In one survey, Karni writes, the Zionist Union continues to lead, while in another the Zionist Union and Netanyahu’s Likud party are expected to win the same number of mandates.

So with Haaretz knocking it as somewhere between ineffectual and destructive, Israel Hayom reporting it a smashing success and Yedioth denying it influence, it seems Haaretz’s commentator Chemi Shalev was right, as his headline reads, “The speech is in the eye of the beholder.”

Healthy food, beaches and old men

According to National Geographic, Israel Hayom reports, Tel Aviv is the tenth best beach city in the world, putting it alongside Marseilles in France and San Diego in the United States. And while that may sound like good news for the Jews, in 2013 Tel Aviv was ranked ninth.

In another few years who knows where Tel Aviv could wind up on an entirely subjective and arbitrary list?

In addition to being the home of a nice beach community, Israel is also the home of some of the world’s healthiest food.

Chad tops the list of world’s healthiest food, Yedioth Ahronoth reports. Followed by seven other African countries that are decidedly not known for the bountifulness of their culinary offerings. Israel comes in at number nine, followed by Somalia at number ten.

Yedioth touts this as a good thing, but considering the propensities of the other countries on this list toward famine, one would be forgiven for remaining unconvinced.

Haaretz reports that fossils found in Ethiopia lead researchers to believe that human beings are actually almost half a million years older than originally believed. The oldest fossils of man that had been discovered were between 2.3 and 2.4 million years old, but in 2013 scientists found fossils in northeast Ethiopia that after examination were seen to be approximately 2.8 million years old.