Iran intel: ‘No $^#ing clue what’s up with Israel today’
Purim 5774'We'd always thought the Israelis were rational actors,' says intelligence chief

Iran intel: ‘No $^#ing clue what’s up with Israel today’

Fear spreads as Tehran’s spy services tell supreme leader they have no idea what the Jews are doing

Iran's intelligence chief on an espionage mission in Israel. (photo collage credit: Flash90/AP)
Iran's intelligence chief on an espionage mission in Israel. (photo collage credit: Flash90/AP)

Iran’s vaunted intelligence services were thrown into a panic Sunday when they witnessed widespread behavior in Israel they simply couldn’t account for.

“We have satellite footage of a pregnant John Kerry drinking with Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” deputy IRGC intelligence chief Sari Seiha-Melech told FARCE news agency. “Literally none of our models predicted this.”

“And we have multiple reports of slutty Yair Lapids staggering through Tel Aviv’s streets holding hands with French maids. We can’t account for this development.”

Frustration boiled over at Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s weekly intelligence briefing, when a seasoned intelligence chief told the supreme leader, “Screw this. We’ve got nothing.”

Iranian spies were especially perplexed by a book Jews were reading together Saturday night, then again on Sunday morning. “We thought it was a religious text at first,” said  Seiha-Melech. “But that was obviously wrong, God’s name isn’t even in the thing. It worries us because it refers to specific Iranian cities. Like Shushan. How did they know we have a secret reactor there?”

Seiha-Melech also indicated that Israelis seemed especially riled up when they heard the book being read out loud. “I mean, we have those rallies where we chant ‘Death to Jews’ and all. But we’ve never witnessed the rage that we saw just now in occupied Palestine. They were stomping their feet and spinning these noisemakers. They seemed awfully worked up. We’d better be on guard.”

In an attempt to figure out what was happening in Israel, Iranian spies started trailing individual Israelis. This only left the intelligence services more confused.

“We had one guy, I think it was David Ben-Gurion on a seahorse, exchange packages with a number of neighbors. He must have known he was being followed, because he zigzagged through the streets before stopping by an afternoon meal with a sexy Smurf and six of the seven dwarves. This guy was a professional.”

“We had always operated under the assumption that Israelis were rational actors. We need to throw all our assumptions out the window.”

Tehran was able to pick up on one trend that caused particular concern, a massive expansion of IDF manpower.

“We had always assumed the ultra-Orthodox were against serving in the Zionist SS army. But apparently all of their children have joined up suddenly,” lamented Seiha-Melech. “There are armies of kids in uniform in the streets. This is very worrying.”

Meanwhile, a bitter argument broke out in the Iranian intelligence community over whether Jerusalem has split off from the rest of Israel.

“There is literally no other conceivable reason for the rest of the country to be acting absolutely nuts, while occupied al-Quds is calm as can be,” said defense official Naha Fochu. “There must have been a secession.”

Khamenei did not take the confused intelligence reports well, and ordered the hanging of ten of his spies on a single tree.

This fake story brought to you in honor of the Jewish holiday of Purim. Purim Sameach!

read more: