A mother mourns her son and daughter-in-law with the dishes that he loved
After Itay and Hadar Berdichesky were killed on October 7 at Kibbutz Kfar Aza, Itay’s mother found some comfort in an Asif Culinary Institute project, A Place at the Table
Jessica Steinberg, The Times of Israel's culture and lifestyles editor, covers the Sabra scene from south to north and back to the center
Since October 7, Ravit Berdichesky has to find the reasons to get up in the morning.
Berdichesky’s son, Itay Berdichesky and his wife, Hadar Berdichesky, were killed by Hamas terrorists in their Kibbutz Kfar Aza home on October 7. Their 10-month-old twins were found alive in the sealed room, surviving 14 hours on their own.
The twins are now being cared for by a maternal aunt.
Their grandmother, Ravit Berdichesky, along with her three surviving sons, searches for meaning as she loves with her bereavement, having also lost her husband Ilan in a cycling accident five years earlier.
“I said to my brother, ‘How will I get up in the mornings? He said to me, ‘You didn’t get up for Itay in the morning, you got up for yourself,'” she said. “That set the path for me.”
One source of comfort came from Asif, a Tel Aviv culinary center that has dedicated itself to helping soldiers, survivors, the bereaved and evacuees in the months since October 7.
The culinary center is building A Place at the Table, a commemorative project documenting the favorite dishes of those killed on October 7, with recipes and stories written in Hebrew, English and Arabic.
“It’s all kind of stories that help the families immortalize their loved ones,” said Matan Choufan, senior director of content at Asif. “There’s a sense of mission in it.”
Each week, Asif posts a new video on social media, featuring a family member or friend speaking about a loved one killed on October 7, through the preparation of a favorite dish, along with the recipe.
There’s the spicy fish dish that Shani Gabbay ate at her parents’ home in Yokne’am before heading to the Supernova where she was killed, and the cream puffs that David Kachko Katzir would melt over every time his wife Ayelet made them.
“There’s no happiness in these recipes,” said Choufan. “It’s an archive that just keeps growing.”
Berdichesky told Itay and Hadar’s story through two of their favorite dishes that she would often prepare for them for Shabbat dinner, a Hungarian layered meat dish called rakott káposzta for Itay, and tomato soup with dumplings for Hadar.
The Hungarian sauerkraut casserole includes layers of cooked rice, chopped meat, turkey or chicken and cooked cabbage, topped with sour cream, a layering process that Ravit Berdichesky knows by heart.
The tomato soup includes tiny dumplings slipped into the soup with a teaspoon or with a piping bag, a technique introduced to Berdichesky by Itay years ago.
“When they were coming to us on Friday nights, I would ask what they wanted me to prepare because I loved to spoil them, and we show love through food,” said Berdichesky. “Itay would say, ‘Only káposzta, Grandma’s dish.'”
The dishes are all family recipes carried down from Ravit’s Transylvanian paternal grandmother. Her own mother learned to make her husband’s family dishes, and the recipes are all written in her mother’s handwriting.
It feels emotional to make those dishes now, said Berdichesky, who finds herself expecting to see Itay and Hadar to walk into her home on Moshav Srigim in central Israel, south of Beit Shemesh.
Early on the morning of October 7, Ravit Berdichesky woke up to the sirens, but wasn’t able to make contact with Itay and Hadar. She later found out that the last communication that Hadar had with her family was at 6:55 a.m.
It was later discovered that Hadar had left the sealed room of their kibbutz house, possibly to toss a dirty diaper or to prepare bottles for the babies. Her body was later found in the kitchen, while Itay’s body was found in the sealed room, their baby boys lying on the bed next to him.
Itay and Hadar Berdichesky were buried in Moshav Srigim, alongside Hadar’s cousin, Yahav Winner, a filmmaker who was also killed trying to protect his wife and one-month-old on October 7 in Kfar Aza. Itay’s father, Ilan, was already buried in the kibbutz cemetery five years earlier.
Itay Berdichesky was the eldest of the Berdicheskys’ four sons, and he and Hadar met through friends while Itay was in an officers’ training course for the Golani military infantry brigade.
After Itay completed his army service, he studied electrical engineering and Hadar got a degree in accounting, and they moved back to Kibbutz Kfar Aza, where Hadar was born and raised, joining Hadar’s parents and three out of her five siblings and their families.
In December 2022, their twin boys, Roi and Guy, were born.
“He very much loved Hadar and he loved Kfar Aza,” said Ravit Berdichesky. “They were such a successful couple. It’s a waste to humanity.”
Berdichesky and her surviving three sons all live on Moshav Srigim, where they’re working hard to continue living their lives, as well as being loving uncles to their surviving nephews. Her second-oldest son got married a few months ago.
“They’re strong, they’re just sad,” said Berdichesky.
“There are harder days and easier days and for a second time, I chose life and it’s a matter of choice,” she said. “I find the reasons.”
