Fireworks, fanfare, and political flimflam

The mourning and festivities of the Memorial Day and Independence Day combo are over, and obligatory photos of the Israeli Air Force airshow and mobbed parks brimming with barbecues grace the Friday Hebrew front pages.

Major international stories such as Dilma Rousseff’s dismissal as president of Brazil or the US Republican Party’s reluctant embrace of Donald Trump take a back seat to inane tabloid headlines (“This is how we celebrated” and “What a country!”), accompanied by images of the politicians at ceremonies and Israelis draped in the national flag.

The sole hard story that draws the attention of the three main newspapers on Friday is the rumor mill surrounding Zionist Union leader Isaac Herzog’s negotiations for his opposition party to join the coalition and form a unity government. How the papers interpret Herzog’s Thursday remarks — that “so far, we have not received a suitable offer; if an appropriate offer is made, we will seriously consider it” — differs drastically.

Haaretz spins it as Herzog being ready to join a government with Netanyahu if the price is right, while Yedioth Ahronoth plays up the Zionist Union MKs’ opposition to Herzog’s proposition of potentially joining the government. Israel Hayom angles its coverage as if there are still some gaps between Netanyahu and Herzog, but that, after two weeks of negotiations, a deal is not far off.

Former leader of the Labor Party (the senior member of Zionist Union) Shelly Yachimovich’s outright rejection of Herzog’s proposal to join “a right-wing government in every respect” is the focus of the Haaretz coverage. But it’s not only the Zionist Union objecting to the unity government talks. Yedioth Ahronoth quotes Immigration and Absorption Minister Ze’ev Elkin of Netanyahu’s Likud party as saying that such a move “is bad for Likud, bad for the nationalist camp, and will inhibit Likud’s victory in the coming elections for the sake of a temporary improvement in the imagined state of the coalition.”

The opinion pieces of the various papers more or less mirror the angles of the news coverage. Israel Hayom seeks a more stable government headed by Netanyahu, Haaretz is irked by Herzog’s imminent agreement, and Yedioth Ahronoth is as outspoken against a possible deal as some Zionist Union lawmakers.

Israel Hayom’s commentator Dan Margalit pushes for the Labor Party to join the government “if it believes in itself, and even if it’s committed to itself.

“The complex reality justifies joining forces, but not at any price,” he says. “It’s true that including Labor now is less than forming an original unity government, but Herzog and his friends are new riders on the bus and those already aboard must make room for them.”

Carolina Landsmann of Haaretz rambles on incoherently in an exhausting op-ed about Herzog, touching on David Lynch and Slavoj Zizek in an argument so entangled by parenthetical statements that it’s impossible to discern what she’s actually trying to say. Eventually she gets to her point with the utmost vulgarity: “The people of Israel stand watching in a similar situation, in which Benjamin Netanyahu has Isaac Herzog by the throat and orders him to whisper ‘Fuck me.’

“Of course, the fact that Herzog dreams of this secretly doesn’t mean that they’re not raping him politically. Actually, he’s turning this into a more brutal rape,” she says.

“It’s not important how many times he says he doesn’t want it… everyone knows that he longs to enter [the government],” she sums up, finally.

Yedioth Ahronoth’s Sima Kadmon says it’s inexplicable that politicians can’t understand why the public loathes them after pulling stunts like the one Herzog is attempting, “demonstrating the same contortionists’ flexibility as other politicians when this issue is on the table.” His red lines, she says, are like words etched in ice — completely unreliable and subject to change.

“I’ve got news for you, Buji Herzog,” she says, using the Labour leader’s nickname. She writes that if he truly steps up to stop international condemnation of Israel, restore the alliance with the US and EU, and open negotiations with regional states and the Palestinians, “you’ll be prime minister. Something that’s out of your reach and growing further and further away,” she says.

“At this moment, you live in la-la land,” she goes on. “And the only wheel that you see before you is apparently that of the bumper car at Luna Park.” (Herzog said Thursday that he wanted his hands on the steering wheel of the coalition.)

Israel Hayom also ponders whether Haaretz called for a military coup after one of its reporters said that the current government encourages one, and that the people were behind such a move. Israel Hayom says the article was roundly condemned by “politicians, diplomats and public figures,” as was the timing of its publication — the evening of Memorial Day.