Confused Shiite militants take aim at SUNY school system

Looking to expand influence, Tehran sets sight on New York’s state universities; Rouhani rails against jungle juice at frat party

Qassem Soleimani, commander of the Quds Force in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, attends a meeting of Guard commanders in Tehran, Iran, September 17, 2013. (AP/Office of the Iranian Supreme Leader, File)
Qassem Soleimani, commander of the Quds Force in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, attends a meeting of Guard commanders in Tehran, Iran, September 17, 2013. (AP/Office of the Iranian Supreme Leader, File)

Tensions between Shiite and Sunnis in Iraq, Lebanon, and Syria appear to have spread to America’s shores, as Iran looks to push back against the State University of New York, or SUNY, network of schools.

“It is unjust that all of the state universities in New York are controlled by takfiri Sunnis, who are terrorists and agents of the Crusaders,” thundered Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “Soon, inshallah, students will be wearing sweatshirts that say SHIA Albany.”

Iran, in conjunction with the Lebanese Shiite group Hezbollah and a range of other Shiite organizations, sent militiamen to SUNY campuses from Stony Brook on Long Island to Plattsburgh on Lake Champlain to try to assert their dominance.

Results were mixed, however.

Secretive Iranian Revolutionary Guards commander Qassem Soleimani led some of the operations himself, according to several sources.

“A bunch of dudes were rushing the frat,” said Sam Levinson, chapter president of the local Zeta Beta Tau chapter. “And there was this one guy with a beard and green military cap. He was all ‘You are all agents of Jews.’ Yeah, I told him, most of us are Jews.”

“I mean, he seemed like a good dude, but I guess he wouldn’t fit in with the guys.”

Other top Iranian officials faced similar difficulties infiltrating the SUNY student body.

President Hassan Rouhani showed up at a frat party at SUNY Binghamton.

“I was all, ‘Nice turban, man,'” recalled Mackenzie Porter, a sophomore from Rochester. “Then he starts railing against alcohol and trying to get me to put something on over my tank top. It’s a party, you know? Chill, buddy.”

“He was totally cute, though. We hooked up,” she said, before heading back to the party.

A Hezbollah push into SUNY Buffalo was bogged down after members were caught by campus security guards, who asked the Shia militiamen for their student IDs.

Retreating to a house party, they were excited to find students talking about getting supplies for Beirut.

“I was so happy. I thought finally here were young students ready to fight the aggressors in the Lebanese capital, just like in the good old days,” said Walid Sadr. “But instead they just kept throwing ping pong balls in red cups. And those takfiris would try to bounce the ball in all the time, like a bunch of Saudis or something.”

Some of the Hezbollah men did make it onto campus by enrolling in classes for the spring semester.

Jihad al-Amin found himself in a Feminist Social Thought in the Women’s and Sexuality Studies Department. Things were going well for the militant until he asked the instructor when the professor was going to arrive. When she told him that she was the professor, Amin broke down laughing, repeating, “A female professor is like an RPG in a Subaru!” before being ejected from the classroom.

Frustrated, Iranian forces and their Shia allies decided to focus their efforts on SUNY residential halls.

“I came back from the gym, and all of a sudden there were five dudes with beards and flags in my room,” said Spence O’Connell, a junior at SUNY Purchase. “My poster of John Belushi in Animal House was on the ground, replaced by posters of Hassan Nasrallah and Imad something or other.”

“I was like, what the shit, guys?”

Almost all of the Quds Force men who managed to get into dorms found themselves being written up by RAs for causing emotional distress and violating campus speech codes.

Ayman Zaynab, a 27-year old Shiite fighter from the Dahiyah stronghold of Beirut, will have to attend SUNY’s sensitivity training sessions for the next year.

He was not too pleased about the development. “Our Shiite brothers in Syria have managed to push back the Sunni terrorists and liberate our villages. And look, the SUNY flag is still flying everywhere,” he said as he headed to the Student Union for the all-night dance marathon.

This article is satire. It is not real. Don’t share it on Facebook thinking it’s real. You will look like an idiot. 

Happy Purim

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