At war: Psychologist details signs children are in distress — and how to help
Chava Friedman, Education Ministry’s director of psychology, tells ToI that kids not directly impacted by war may still be suffering its effects
Sue Surkes is The Times of Israel's environment reporter
Is your child wetting his bed or insisting on sleeping with mom or dad? Is your teenage girl avoiding going out to see friends? The October 7 atrocities and the war in the south has affected us all, with some needing greater support during these difficult times.
The Times of Israel spoke to Chava Friedman, director of psychology at the Education Ministry, about how children in the general population, and the adults looking after them, are coping with the crisis.
The interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
What is the impact of the war on children who have not been directly affected by the horrors of October 7, starting, perhaps, with preschoolers?
Children have sensitive seismographs, especially before they acquire language, and as they develop. They are busy gathering information, from the faces of those close to them, from the sentences they hear their parents say on the phone, from what they hear on the TV through the walls when they are trying to go to sleep, and from the radio in the car on the way to and from school.
From this, they build their own picture. It’s natural. The older they are, the more this is connected to data and facts. The younger ones build a picture and complete it by themselves. So children are at a very high likelihood exposed to stress — depending on the house, and the community. You can’t sever the reality from their world.
What problem signs might we look out for in children’s behavior at this time?
We’re talking about changes in behavior, relative to age and context.
Take the example of a 5-year-old, whose dad (or mom) is on reserve duty, and who insists on sleeping with his mom (or dad) in the parents’ bed, something that’s unusual in the house. On the first night, Mom agrees. On the second, she wants to go back to the normal routine, but the child insists on sleeping with her again. There’s no right or wrong here. It depends on the connection between the two, and the particular house, in a particular situation. You might say, ‘I understand that it’s very hard for you at the moment, and sleep is important for gathering strength for the day ahead, so I’ll agree for three days’ — or ‘until dad comes home.’ You frame it.
Among the younger children, we might see bedwetting and heightened sensitivity to noise where, suddenly, everything sounds [to them] like a siren. There may be changes in sleep patterns, or problems listening.
The older they get, there might also be aggression. One of the ways kids can express stress is through aggression, at home or in school, toward siblings, or by refusing to help in the house or to study. You might say, ‘What’s happened to you, what is this cheek?’ But what the 10- or 15-year-old might be saying is, ‘Things are hard for me.’
Once kids are old enough to go out, there is a greater danger of dealing with stress through drugs, alcohol, self-harm, riding wildly on bicycles, or even having suicidal thoughts. The current data does not point to any rise in suicidal behavior, but we do see an increase in anxiety and depression, and it’s worrying.
(Dr Friedman was referring here to a study by the Maccabi health maintenance organization carried out during the eighth week of the war, which showed a 21 percent rise in diagnoses of anxiety and depression among girls aged up to 18 since the war began, and a comparable rise of 18% among boys.)
How can we provide children with security during this time?
It’s important to preserve the daily routine.
There might be regressive behavior, and reluctance to visit friends, for example, out of fear of going outside. But going to friends is part of the normal routine and they need to know they’ll be protected while doing so.
How can a parent or teacher help?
You have to mediate in a way that depends on the circumstances and the child. This should be done by someone significant to the child because it is based on a connection. The aim is to build trust and a sense of security. Their world has suddenly changed — even if the TV is off until the children go to bed.
The mediation must be suited to the age and need. Some curious kids always want to know more and we must give them the information. We can’t just tell them that the siren protects us. We should say it’s supposed to protect us in case there’s danger, and the danger is because we are at war. What is the war, why is the war? We must answer them. For some, it’s enough to say, ‘We’ll protect you, and that’s why we’re sitting in the room,’ and to tell them what we’re going to do. You might say ‘We’ll play games,’ or ask them to choose the game we’ll play next time we go into the protected room.
Some children need more emotional or physical support. You might say, ‘I’ll hug you until the siren ends, and I’m protecting you.’
Is the language we use important?
[For example] if it depended on us [psychologists], we wouldn’t use words such as ‘kidnapped.’ The idea that someone can come and take a child from his or her home is shocking. Again, it depends on the circumstances.
What is your department doing to help?
We are spread all over the entire country, with 3,400 educational psychologists, across all local authorities, and 7,500 educational advisers working in schools. For children who were evacuated to hotels [from the south and north] we’ve received Education Ministry funds to increase psychologists’ hours.
For children in the regular educational system, we have provided psychological education and support for teachers and parents — and remember some parents have other children serving in the army — that included Zoom sessions on how to spot problems with children, and how we can help teachers feel stronger themselves. During the first weeks of the war, we worked more with the evacuees. Then we recruited psychologists who could guarantee a minimum of eight sessions for every child that needed help.
Do the teachers also need support?
They need a lot of compassion and consideration. The kindergarten and school staff are also having the hardest time of their lives. If teachers have children serving in Gaza, they are obviously under terrible stress, over some time. They need to be able to talk to a school adviser or a psychologist, and to get support in the staff room. We have to be very humane, to see what people are trying to cope with. And the scale is very broad, it’s national.
Isn’t the whole country traumatized?
As psychologists, we distinguish between mental states. Trauma is paralysis, or major impairment in day-to-day functioning. There is no doubt that the events of October 7 had the potential to cause trauma, but you need to distinguish between that and the actual mental state of people, and their ability to cope. Personal, social, and national tools can protect against trauma. So you’ll have some people who are traumatized and some who will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, while others are anxious, worried, and very tense, but not traumatized.
Someone told me she doesn’t know anyone personally who has lost someone but is still in mourning. So here’s another element. Your reaction depends on the person’s internal strength, personality, and ability to cope with stress. Do they tend to be anxious during normal times? Can [they] talk about pressure or anxiety at home, or is it seen as a weakness? Is there someone in the family with whom [they] can share the emotional experience? What are the norms at work? Do people talk about how they feel? Or do you go to work and leave at 4 p.m. without talking about things? Does workplace management allow for people to be supported while they’re working, without being judgmental?
Another thing is the ability to ask for help. To knock on the manager’s door and say ‘I need to speak to you.’ Being heard strengthens resilience. As does hope.
Israelis have lots of experience of war, and we know we can come out of difficult situations. If I can think about being in a different situation from today, I’m framing the present as a [finite] period and am already working on creating hope. And it is work. Individual work.
Do the psychologists need help?
I’m glad you asked that question. We have psychologists, including directors of services, who have been evacuated, and we have supported them since the first week.
Educational psychologists work in teams, with a team director, and they need to get support at the local level. To date, it’s happening where there’s a local initiative. We want to develop that. Any psychologist or team can turn to the district psychological service, and they will get support. At the start of the war we provided two lectures a week for six weeks to refresh psychologists’ knowledge, then went down to once a week. This provided knowledge, as well as a sense of belonging to a community.
